Solutions
We are all unique,
But there are patterns. And whilst every one of us has a problem which we feel is unique to our life experience, and ours alone, often it can be identified as a common human experience.
‘But wait, my issue can’t possibly be the same as other people have had!’
Maybe not, but there may be similarities. And some of those we can explore here:
Transactional Analysis
This model. explores all aspects of our relationships with others.
Often this is where marital problems arise or those of a sexual nature. One example might be:
You feel neglected or ignored (victim) and your partner isn’t giving you the support you crave (persecutor) so you seek a lover (rescuer). But once you leave your persecutor (or want to know how to) your lover then morphs from rescuer to victim when they realise the impact of what a fully committed relationship entails, and so they begin to back away. This leaves you back in victim role once more, or alternatively the oppressor, as you pressure them to step up to their responsibilities, having promised you the earth which is now crumbling beneath your feet..
This is one extremely basic outline of how an affair might unfold. There will likely be many nuances and details not outlined, but did you notice an element of your experience here?
Also, this is the area for exploring other relational issues. Do you have an overbearing boss? A competitive best friend? Or children that just won’t co-operate no matter what? It’s possibly not ADHD, but might be your (and others’) relationship with them. Do (did) you have a difficult relationship with your parents? Or authority figures? This also is an indication of a situation which might be more easily understood through some of the Transactional Analysis models.
We all have our own models of the world, our ‘reality tunnels’ as Robert Anton Wilson phrased them, and whilst we can sometimes catch a glimpse of the reality another person might be experiencing, it’s impossible to immerse yourself fully in their life experience. Hence, the transactions we have with others are only our best interpretation of what that other person is seeing, hearing and feeling. To illustrate this quickly, make a recording of your own voice reading aloud the above paragraphs, preferably with another person in the room. Play the recording back, and notice it sounds completely different to how it sounded inside your own head. Then ask the other person in the room if it sounded the same as when you spoke the words aloud. They will confirm it but you may not agree that it sounds anything like you. So if you can disagree on what you yourself have thought you sounded like just moments earlier, it’s no wonder others might misinterpret what you say and then you also misinterpret what they say in return. Understanding the relationships we have and seeing them in a new way is the heart of Transactional Analysis.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming
This model explores all aspects of self, and how the way we interact with our unconscious can have a massive effect on our day to day wellbeing.
Repetitive behaviours, patterns of how we feel or the language we use either internally (self-talk) or externally (conversations) can have an enormous impact on our day-to-day experience.
Is there an element of resentment for those who we think are less capable/intelligent/skilled as us, but succeed anyway? That really hurts. But often it’s not about skill or ability, it’s about behaviour. And behaviour can be changed.
More often than not, our behaviours are unconscious:
Why do I always (fill in the blank)?
Why does (fill in the blank) always happen to me?
We are all from the same blueprint. We are all human. We can all (physical differences aside) achieve similar results. A person of 99 iq can largely achieve a similar result to another person of 99 iq providing there are no other extenuating reasons. An athletically built person who is 6’ tall can probably achieve a similar ability to play basketball than any other 6’ athlete. But a 6’ couch potato who has an addiction to junk food probably won’t.. But, given the right motivation and training strategy, that couch potato could, over time, exceed the natural ability of the more athletically built person who doesn’t take his sport as seriously so trains infrequently. Zero to hero isn’t just a Hollywood storyline, it’s a mind-set.
We all experience the world in different ways. A visually focussed person may ‘see things positively’. An auditory may ‘hear a great opportunity’ while a kinaesthetic will ‘just feel if something is right for them’. No person is uniquely one of these modalities but we are all a blend of the three (plus gustatory and olfactory, but these figure less) so in order to ‘speak someone’s language’ we can help our chances of understanding by using sympathetic language modes (not sympathy in an empathic sense). This is just one example of how we can increase our chances of being understood and in turn, understanding others.
Timelines, trauma, confidence and procrastination are also key issues which can be dealt with effectively by Nero-Linguistics, but too in-depth to go into here.
Hypnotherapy
Hypnosis is, to many, a mystery. Yet, we all fall in and out of states of trance on a daily basis. Have you ever taken a long journey and been heading home on autopilot, but arrived only to realise that you have no idea how you got there? Or relaxed on a sun lounger, immersed in a book or podcast, only to look up hours later with no recollection of what has happened around you over those past couple of hours and where the sun has suddenly gone?
Massage is a great hypnotic induction as it usually involves all of the senses. Just for a moment, imagine entering a candlelit room in a soft towelling dressing gown. You sense some lightly burning oil, there’s gentle music filling the space and you see the bed in the centre of the room. The robe slides easily from your shoulders and you lie face down. Your face finds the hole in the bed to be just the right size. Your breathing slows and you notice the bed has been pre-warmed to just above body temperature, helping your muscles soften and your breathing fall into a slow, rhythmic pace, occasionally taking a deeper breath just to fight the feeling of sleep which has gently washed over you.
Just reading the above probably had you shifting your focus slightly, and sensing a more relaxed sensation in your body. How do your shoulders feel? Maybe softer than a moment before you began reading, and that’s without the physical sensation of a masseuse working your muscles with scented oils to loosen your skin and the tissues within. Now notice how you can begin to feel the sensation of your skin against your clothes, the gentle feeling of fabric as it serves to protect your body. Then focus on your feet, your toes especially, and how they feel within your shoes, or your socks. If barefoot, how would they react to the sensation of the floor they occupy. Is it wooden? Carpet? or the floor of a train?
Now I’ve shifted your focus to your feet, I hope this highlights how a conscious, or unconscious, awareness can bring a new insight into the way you control your life experience. You weren’t thinking about bare feet on the floor of a train a moment ago, were you?
Hypnosis is a guided focus of attention and, unlike the stage hypnotists of old, is not (usually) performed so overtly with a swinging pocket watch. My focus of hypnotherapy is used in concert with the other forms of therapy to create a reinforcement of positive outcomes. Therefore I do not do undertake the binary ‘fix me please’ requests like giving up smoking/drinking/drugs etcetera unless it is approached as a whole with the other influencing aspects of your life experience. After all, a behaviour is more often than not, a product of a deeper rooted issue, so removing the behaviour without addressing the underlying issue just means that the behaviour will either return, or morph into another addiction form.
Person-Centred Therapy
Person-Centred Therapy (PCT) focusses on you having the inherent ability to solve your own problems from within when provided with the right environment and a non-judgmental listener to explore ideas, behaviours, and beliefs.
The therapeutic relationship is approached with unconditional positive regard for you, the client. An empathic understanding of your lived experience will be adopted from the outset and demonstrated through active listening and encouragement. This will be from a position of genuineness and congruence to reassure you of my full attention and authentic presence.
Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs complements PCT, as both recognise our innate drive toward growth, fulfilment, and self-actualisation. Maslow's framework suggests that lower needs must be mostly satisfied before progressing to higher levels. This hierarchy begins with basic physiological needs (food and shelter), then advances to safety and security (employment, resources, health), love and belonging (community, intimacy, connection), esteem (respect, recognition, freedom), and finally reaches self-actualisation (becoming all that one can be). Person-Centred Therapy observes that, while gaps in some areas of lower tiers may exist, the majority of these hierarchical needs must be met to facilitate meaningful progression to higher levels. This doesn't preclude exceptional circumstances—a person in prison might develop the more ‘self-actualising’ skill to become an opera singer despite lacking freedom—but such development occurs with notable gaps in their overall life experience when lower-level states like freedom and intimacy have been forcefully restricted.
For effective counselling to occur, it’s hoped that the six core conditions of PCT will be present: psychological contact between counsellor and client (without which therapeutic work would be impossible); client congruence (consistency in self-presentation); counsellor congruence (reliability in approach and methodology); unconditional positive regard (non-judgmental acceptance); empathic understanding and the client's perception of the counsellor's empathy and acceptance. These elements combine to form the essential foundation of successful PCT, which ultimately relies on Accurate Empathy, Congruence, and Unconditional Positive Regard to facilitate and aid your growth.
Gestalt Therapy
Gestalt Therapy focuses on the "here and now," distinguishing between what is either inside or outside of your control. Gestalt (meaning an assembly of parts to make a whole) incorporates several techniques which draw on your imagination and also dream interpretation, exploring where the "Self" meets the environment.
The four pillars of Gestalt are: Ground (what is "Figural" for you, including needs, values, and beliefs); Events and Environment (your current phenomenological experience); Therapeutic Relationship (the dynamic between you and I); and Experiment (exploring patterns, obstacles, and options). These pillars form the ‘whole’ Mind, Body, Emotions, and Soul.
At the Ground level, Gestalt explores what is on your mind in the immediate therapeutic context—what history you’ve brought into the session that directly influences your present reality. This personal lens colours your perception and responses to the therapeutic process. As a counsellor, I’ll remain aware of how these individual filters affect your reactions to various topics—for instance; how a stabbing victim and a chef might both respond differently to the image of a knife is an overt example.
The therapeutic process begins with exploring your ‘whole’ experience at this moment. Your social context, physical presence, emotional landscape, and belief system—essentially mapping your model of the world. Once the map is complete, the journey begins.
Gestalt emphasizes immediacy, so I may comment on what emerges in the moment rather than focus exclusively on past experiences. We may explore some of your behaviours and thought patterns through models like the circle of arousal, which tracks the progression from initial discomfort through resolution. I’ll use a claustrophobic train carriage for example: Stage 1. is Arousal and you might feel uncomfortable in the current situation. Stage 2. You remain in his chair but become aware that you’re on the verge of panic. Stage 3. You realise you need to mobilise to resolve your discomfort. Stage 4. You stand and make your way to the door. Stage 5. You get out at the next station and take a deep breath of fresh air. Stage 6. Your anxiety and claustrophobia are greatly diminished. Stage 7. You now wait for the next, and hopefully less crowded, train to complete your journey.
Psychodynamic Analysis
Psychodynamic Analysis is the work of Sigmund Freud, and that most commonly portrayed in film and television whenever a therapist is needed.
Freud believed that we are governed by subconscious drives and conflicting parts of our personality which he labelled the id, ego and super ego. This tripartite personality sees the id as the needy uncontrolled part of ourselves. The ego, on the other hand, is our adult self trying to rein in the childish self-destructive desires of the id. The super ego could be compared to a super parent, berating the ego, forcing it to comply with societal norms. So according to the theory, our self-concept is in constant conflict, with the poor old ego trying to balance the childish impulse of the id and the critical demands of the super ego.
Modern psychoanalysis was born out of Freud’s ideas. In the 1950’s Canadian psychiatrist Eric Berne was working as a psychiatrist in Carmel California. He noticed in his patient’s district patterns of relating to life events.
The Psychodynamic approach tends to be a longer-term process which involves deep exploration of self. It is often suitable if you wish to explore your inner-self at depth, or who you have become to cause difficulties in your life and relationships with others but no obvious cause is immediately present.
It is an inherently relational way of working and views the emergence of unconscious material within the therapeutic relationship as inevitable. Typically, psychodynamic therapy will involve a mixture of directive and non-directive approaches, employing some psychoanalytic techniques, but also allowing space for you to navigate your own way through your unconscious, possibly with the aid of conversational hypnosis or mindfulness techniques.
Psychodynamic therapy is a ‘whole life’ approach where exploration of the life process and the interactions that made you who you are come to light and discussed, leading to insights, pattern recognition and ultimately, understanding which can lead to either change or acceptance. It also helps you consider what brought you to where you are now and what you want to change as a result of past influences, relationships and decisions.
Although the above models might seem overwhelming, there is a degree of overlap between most of them. Not all models are right for every person, nor every issue. Usually one model will work well to reveal what is most pressing to you, and this may lead to exploring another model to either resolve the issue or go deeper so as to find the root cause. Of course not all issues can be resolved, and in some cases a level of acceptance can be the desired result. An example being, you will never get an apology from a deceased relative who may have wronged you, but acceptance that you will never receive one is often enough to lift the burden of guilt or resentment. Every person is different, and every situation or issue has its own unique aspects. But with the above tools and more besides, I will strive to work with you and find the solution which helps you in the most positive way possible.